Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
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