How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
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