OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
