Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
PANTIES FOUND
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