Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Randomize
