i love accidental penises.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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