Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
