Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
