I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
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