he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
