My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
