I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
