You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
