youre lurking in front of me
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
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