I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
I wish you could order shots online.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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