Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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