Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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