at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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