Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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