Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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