You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
