You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
