I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
