He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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