I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
