Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
