My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
SECOND walk of shame from the westside Hilton, SECOND foreign family w kids staring at me in my dress, glitter purse, spiky heels and booze breath. I said I was going to church. More confusion.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
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