i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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