i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
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