don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
