Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
