Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
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