i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
