Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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