Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i wish my penis had a tongue
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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