I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
