And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life