dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
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