More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
