Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
