watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
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