No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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