Sponge bath it is.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
