I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
