remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
