I smell stomach acid.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
