Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
