So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
