because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He brought over a bottle of tequila and a box of donuts with the Plan B, so I guess you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
