I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Randomize
