if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
pray to the hookup gods
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
Randomize
