it hurts more in the daytime
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
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