i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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