She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
