I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
