yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
