Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
