I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
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