I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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